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August Parenting Tip: Pin-Balling When my son was younger, I was exhausted from spending all of my energy bouncing from one thing to another while never really feeling like anything got accomplished. One day, I had one of those rock bottom kind of days but instead of feeling defeated, I got fired up and began to get curious, observing myself to see what was draining my energy. As a result of this curiosity, I noticed that I was “pin-balling” through each and every day. Huh? Pin-balling is a term I came up with and it is a lot like what it sounds like…just in human form. I’d wake up in the morning and just like in a game of pin-ball (me being the ball), I was shot out into the day, reacting to whatever or whoever I bumped into or caught my attention next. I was constantly in motion, taking care of everyone else’s wants and needs, without consideration of the bigger picture of what actually mattered for our family. The thing about pin-balling through life is that it feels productive but it’s actually not. It also doesn’t feel good because there is no intention or purpose behind it. I was operating in “reaction” mode until the end of the day when the “game” was over and I’d go to bed frustrated because despite the exhaustion, when I looked around, it felt like I didn’t accomplish anything and then I’d be annoyed with everyone around me. Things had to change for this mom to feel better about life as a parent. Pin-balling was keeping me from having what I wanted and being the mom I wanted to be. While it was normal for me to be all over the place thanks to my squirrel brain, I actually wanted to be more intentional because how I was approaching life day after day clearly wasn’t working. I wanted to be effective and efficient. I wanted ease and joy. And I wanted these things to exist in the parenting relationship I had with my child and the partnership I had with my husband. As with any new habit or change one is trying to incorporate, at first it felt clunky as I would find myself pin-balling around but once I noticed this was happening, I would pause, take a deep breath, check in with what I was wanting for the next minute or two (keeping it small helped!) and focus my energy and attention on that. It became easier and my family started to get used to not having their wants or needs met right at that instant. I would tell them things like, “I am going to finish putting this away and then I will help you with x.” Again, it felt awkward and sometimes seemed like taking a few seconds to open something wouldn’t be a big deal but I allowed myself to lean into the discomfort and everyone was okay. The more I played with this, the better I felt and as with most things I learn about when focusing attention on myself, I learned a few things that have been helpful as a parent. I start the day with an intention of two or three things that are important for me and my family and writing them down on a piece of paper to not only help keep me focused but also so others are aware of them. They don’t necessarily need to be involved in them but they also know that they are important to me and that I’m using a strategy to support myself in getting things done. My son also has pin-balling tendencies especially when overwhelmed or when he doesn’t have a preferred task he is focused on. To support him during those times, we use executive functioning strategies that work for him, like making a list or breaking things down into categories. Being very specific is also helpful so that he is aware of what needs to be done because quite often, “clean the bathroom” doesn’t mean to him what it does for me. Ha
If you are a fellow pin-baller or have one in your life, please be kind and loving with yourself (or your loved one), check in with intentions, keep things realistic, doable and specific, and celebrate the difference in how it feels to have energy and attention going towards completing something. Margaret Webb
www.margaretwebblifecoach.com
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