Our Caregiving Superpower: A Sense of Purpose
Written by Claire McMurray, Ph.D.
It is a fact supported by numerous scientific studies that caregivers experience extremely high levels of stress. However, I believe there is a superpower that we and many researchers tend to forget: The fact that we matter. And not just a little bit. We matter tremendously.
Caregivers dedicate their lives to helping their loved ones. We advocate for them, reduce their suffering, show them love, grant them dignity, and—in many cases—keep them alive. All of this means that even if we can sometimes feel invisible to the outside world, we are extremely important at home and in our families.
Scientists have even discovered a “caregiver’s paradox”—namely, that many of us actually have a lower mortality risk than our peers with similar stress levels. Researchers believe this could be due in part to our deep sense of purpose.
This doesn’t surprise me. Like many of you, purpose is built into my daily life as I care for my child. My eight-year-old daughter, JJ, has a rare genetic disorder called Rett Syndrome. This means she does not have purposeful hand use, uses a wheelchair, has a feeding tube, and speaks with a communication device.
Thanks to the sleepless nights she sometimes gifts me, I don’t always feel like getting out of bed in the morning; however, I never wonder if or why I should because I matter to her on a fundamental level. I act as her nurse, therapist, advocate, and communication partner. I also draw up her medications, blend up her food, fetch her prescriptions, order her supplies, and perform many other invaluable tasks.
When I have the energy, I also do things that add to her joy and satisfaction. I write grants for equipment that could improve her communication. I coordinate playdates with her typical peers. I take her to parties, parks, events, and performances. I dance with her, play with her, teach her, and cook with her. Without me, not only would her health suffer, but her happiness would also take a major hit. In other words, I might be leading a very stressful life, but it also an extremely meaningful one.
In the midst of our busy, complex lives, it can sometimes help to remind ourselves that, despite our difficult situations, caregivers are honorable people performing noble tasks.
In our culture there is often too much weight put on what people have dubbed resume virtues—virtues that emphasize skills, achievements, titles, and competencies. Eulogy virtues, on the other hand, refer to the things that friends and family would list off about you at your funeral. These virtues tend to encompass characteristics like a strong moral compass, service to others, and the creation of meaning, purpose, and lasting impact.
Many caregivers, myself included, have had to step out of the workplace. Because of this, we can run short on resume virtues. However, we often have eulogy virtues in spades.
When I feel helpless, I try to remind myself of the why behind the things I do for my daughter and focus on the neurological benefits that come from being her caregiver. And though it’s difficult, I also try not to compare myself with the people who have more power, higher status, and greater visibility than I do.
It’s impossible to know whether or not these people have the eulogy virtues necessary to see them through their darkest days. But I now know that without a sense of meaning, mattering, or purpose, even the most accomplished life can feel empty. And I will certainly take my life full of caregiving over that any day.
Claire McMurray Ph.D. holds a doctorate from Yale and worked as an academic before she left the workforce to care for her youngest daughter. She has degrees in French and German and lived in both France and Germany. She loves to read, write, run, and hunt for treasures in thrift stores. She runs a blog called I Don't Know How You Do It, has had articles published on parenting sites and in literary magazines, and has won several writing contests for her creative nonfiction. She has a story in the WABT anthology, Becoming Brave Together.
